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Lately

I don't know what I have been up to lately so don't ask. Every day I awaken and as always I am glad that I am breathing but there is also the realization that I am merely older than the last previous waking and no more wise for the experience of another day. I did not think that I was not in this for the endurance part of the contest. If I may, might I skip over this part. I assure you that I already know how the story is going to end?

All of it is more of the same.

The afterthoughts are what hurt so I know they must be important. Somehow I think I always suspected that they were. It is the inherent regret that makes some events more memorable in the wrong way but still lingers in the isolation of the private times more so than the pleasant memories that might bring a smile to my lips in the remembrance of something ironic or humorously bawdy.

I thought about running away, more often than once. It is the sort of tease that lets the day pass by regardless the pain of exertion or the mind numbing boredom of routine. Whenever I have thought about escape the fear of being caught adds its burden to the shackles about my ankles. I am anchored in the eternity of the perpetual and persistent instant. I am the unique minority that everyone else segregates into the prison that I call my identity.

As I have matured the pacifier has ever grown to appease the insatiable want for ever more. Material things serve as a surrogate for the nourishment of mother's breast. Lifetime ludicrous lusts longing luscious ladies lured - look, mine is bigger, stronger, faster, and more-important.

Every time I have wondered aloud in a place not my own I have been shouted to silence, told to be quiet, to listen. I need to learn something new but all I have observed is more of the same hackneyed tripe. Why are the words of anyone else more important the internal monologue that I sometimes inadvertently allow to escape as expression? Are not the words of a sage the same as a fool except that wisdom is conferred along with a credential?

Lately I have been thinking about better times but moreover what it was that made them any better than what I am experiencing now. It was the innocence, the un-jaded lack of experience when the world and everything - more importantly everyone - in it was fresh and exciting. All my relatives' favorite stories were still new, at least they were to me. All of my stories were yet to be experienced. Lately I have wanted to be somewhere and some when else, where I had yet to realize how the story would end.

Lately I am where I have always been: inside me.

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posted by Unknown @ 1:21 PM